Hey, I know you are busy! We all are busy! My mom is 82 years old and when I call her even she will often say to me how busy she is. But being busy is no excuse for not letting the most important relationships in your life know how important they are to you.
The thing I love about this day set aside to celebrate love is the intentionality of it all.
Valentines day is a day where I can celebrate the women who are important to me: my wife, my daughter, my daughters-in-law, my mom, my mother-in-law, and my granddaughter. These are all very special relationships to me and I want them to know how much I cherish the relationship I have with each of them.
While I have not decided at the time I am writing this what I am going to intentionally do for each of them, I guarantee there will be something for each of them that lets them know on this special day of celebration that they are on my mind and in my heart.
One thing I have really noticed over the last few years is the value of my relationships. I am a bit ashamed to admit that in the past I have put the idea of money or commerce above relationship. Thankfully, I can honestly say that I no longer do this. Not that making a living in my work is not important, because it is! However, money is simply no longer the thing I want to be intentional about.
For me, beyond the giving of a gift like flowers or chocolate, this Valentines Day I will intentionally focus on ensuring my relationships are well formed and intact.
Being intentional requires being meaningful and purposeful. It requires aligning my goals and my choices so that what am I doing reflects that which is important to me.
Valentines Day is a great way that I can bring meaning and purpose into both my life and the lives of the relationships that are most important to me by practicing intentionality in the area of emotional connection.
One way to show your significant other that you care is to purchase them something that is a token expression of your love. This is probably the easiest for most of us to do and in the end probably communicates the least how we really feel about the other person.
By no means am I saying that you should stiff your loved one on this day, but why not consider taking an additional step toward deeper emotional connection with your loved one?
A great way to show your significant other how much you care is to do something for them. In addition to buying something, why not actually create something? There are not many things that say “I love you” more than the other person knowing you spent time on something, thinking of them the entire time you are doing it.
Maybe you could sit for an hour and write them a poem? Or, if you are so inclined, maybe you could step in and take care of a task that they would normally do themselves.
The big idea around emotional connection is that you are noticing them and thinking about them.
Perhaps the best way to connect with someone emotionally is to simply spend time with them.
Try engaging in some conversation about a subject they enjoy but that you might not know so much about. Maybe there is a TV show that your partner really enjoys or a sports team that they follow. The idea around small talk is that you become inquisitive about all aspects of their lives. Psychoanalyst Harry Stack Sullivan developed an approach that he called “detailed inquiry,” where you get curious with others about all aspects of their lives.
What research is showing is that these small insignificant conversations actually create more of an emotional connection than the deeper conversations about life most significant issues. Even something as simple as making a grocery list together or going over in detail all the movies playing at the theater before deciding which one to see can draw you closer to another person.
Once you have talked about these small insignificant experiences, then go out and share them together!
For example, sit with your significant other and create some small talk around what a great valentine dinner might look like for the two of you. Things like what the meal will consist of, what kind of candles should there be, do you want a table cloth or a runner, cloth or paper napkins? Just get curious together about the insignificant details. Then on the 13th of February go to the store together and buy all the things you talked about. Buy the napkins, the steaks, the candles, etc. On Valentine’s Day, put the entire dinner on the table together. Fix the meal together. Pour each other a glass of wine. Just be together in the same moment.
These are the things of deep emotional connections.
Too many times we think these types of connections require deep topics that are serious in nature, but if you want to connect with another person on an emotional level try to spend some time just chatting about the small stuff and then create an experience around the small conversation.
You will be glad you did.
Happy Valentine’s Day!