When a coaching client begins with, "I'm struggling with a person on my team, and our relationship isn't great. Can you give me some advice?" I know an interesting conversation is about to unfold. As a leadership coach, my approach focuses on delving deep into the individual's inner world to help them find the right responses and actions. Rather than serving as an oracle, I try to take on the role of an investigator, asking questions that will guide them toward their own self-discovery.
Unpacking the Complexity:
Conversations about work relationship challenges always lead me to a plethora of questions. Each question below aims to illuminate a different facet of the issue:
Why is there a struggle?
Understanding the root causes is always the first step toward resolving any difficulty.
What about this person makes the situation challenging?
Identifying specific issues can provide insights into potential solutions.
Is this a recurring issue with others on the team?
Exploring whether this is an isolated case or a pattern can be enlightening.
How do you define a successful working relationship?
Clarifying the desired outcome is crucial for setting the right goals.
Do you have positive relationships with other team members?
Contrasting problematic relationships with successful ones can reveal commonalities or differences between team members.
Are there external factors affecting the relationship?
Considering broader contexts can help uncover the bigger picture beyond individual dynamics.
No matter which question I choose, the answers usually surprise me. For instance, in response to "Why is there a struggle?" I might hear, "This person reminds me of someone from my past who treated me horribly," or "They are a micromanager, so the further I stay away from them, the better."
The Hack: The Art of Humble Inquiry
To effectively coach in these situations, I follow Edgar Schein's concept of "Humble Inquiry." It's about asking questions without preconceived answers and with a genuine interest in the other person. This requires humbling myself, setting aside my needs, and focusing entirely on the person in front of me.
Humble Inquiry Questions
Humble Inquiry questions are simple, short, and open-ended. They ignite curiosity in the conversation. Here are 4 of my favorites:
Can you say more about that?
Can you tell me a little bit more?
Can you elaborate even further?
What was that like for you?
The goal is to encourage the client to unpack their thoughts and feelings. I'm constantly amazed at how exploring the deeper meaning of the question and answer takes the conversation to unexpected places, often full of surprises.
My Number one Tip for Strengthening Relationships
Invite them to lunch. It's that simple. Extend an invitation to the person with whom you're struggling to develop a better connection. The only objective is to get to know them better.
In one case study by Watland, Hallenbeck, & Kresse, (2008) police officers enrolled in an MBA program shared a meal together once a week. More than 69% of the participants indicated that their interactions with each other had positively affected the work of their department.
The initial interactions among participants were built on getting to know each other better. This soon translated to a deeper knowledge and level of trust and the group began relying on each other to solve problems in the work setting.
So, if you are struggling with a relationship, invite them to lunch! What harm can it do? While it may not solve all of your problems, I think you will find if you practice Humble Inquiry, it is a step in the right direction.
