A question I am asked quite often in my coaching business is, “Do you really think people can change?”
So many organizations have the idea that a leopard can’t change its spots and they apply this metaphor to the people they lead. While it is true that a leopard might not be able to change its fur pattern, that is where the metaphor breaks down. Researchers say that every cell in our body will be regenerated at least every 7 to 10 years, so YES, people can change.
The question that I think is also being asked is, can people grow? This question comes down to choice. If the leopard could choose to change its spots, would it? If the person sees the need to grow, will they choose it? While you may not have a choice to change, you can choose whether you grow and develop.
Can people take on different skills, behaviors, or attitudes? Can they grow and develop? The answer to this for me is a resounding YES!
Acceptance
The real question is not really “Can people change?” Rather, the question is “Will organizations even let them change?” If a person makes a conscious effort to grow and develop, can the other people in the organization see the change? Or, do they keep walking around in their implicit memory of the person they remember; not who the person is now?
I know a midlevel manager who is a technical expert, holds a high standard, and received feedback that he doesn’t care about people. He then worked on his empathy and made progress. He still has trouble, not with his team, but with senior leaders who remember how he used to be. I know a more senior leader who was overly assertive at times, received feedback, made change, and the new question was, “What if this behavior comes back 2 years from now?” I also know a young leader who actually had to go to a new company because he could not overcome the reputation of being the entry level marketing guy.
People grow and are changing all the time. All three of the people above responded to the feedback and were able to grow. And in all three cases, it was others in the organization who could not see the change the person had made.
Can people change? YES! Do we let them? I sometimes question this. Many of you are saying, “Scott, of course I can accept that someone has changed!” And I hear you.
Explicitly, to the point you are aware of it, you probably can accept that someone has changed. But so many of our thoughts sit in our unconscious. We hold so many implicit biases that sometimes I think our subconscious does not agree with our conscious observation of ourself. I know I struggle with this in my own life. I have people really close to me who have made bad choices over the years. Right now, they are doing well, all signs point to significant change, and here I sit just waiting like a judge in court for them to screw up so I can bang the gavel and say, “See? I told you so!”
We tell ourselves we accept the changes others make, but do we really? To me, those are the leadership questions of the day. Not can they change, but am I willing to accept the change I am observing them make?
3 Reasons People Change
Intention doesn't equal impact.
Some people don't like certain aspects of who they are and they want to change that one thing about themselves so they will set out a plan to become something they desire. I think we all have inside of us a picture of our ideal self. But then there is the real self. The person we really are. Much of the change and growth happens not because of what other people think, but because of who we want to become. For example, change his might be a certain character quality, such as being honest.
"It’s not that Maria is dishonest, it’s that when I talk with her, I feel like I don't get the entire story." If Maria gets this feedback, she might say, "I never meant to be dishonest, I just am never sure how interested people are in what I have to say so I cut it short. If they ask questions I give all the information." It is not that Maria's character is evil, it is that her intention for communication is not the impact she is having.
When our intention does not equal the way we come across, this can be a very powerful motivator for change.
They have suffered enough.
The current way some people are showing up is not getting them what they want. Pain can be a very powerful motivator. We see this one in action all the time. People leave marriages when there has been abuse. People change jobs, not because they don't like the work, but the Gallup organization known for its public opinion polls, tells us via their research that most people leave the job because they don't feel connected to their supervisor. These folks end up running from something. It is the person in an organization who just cannot overcome a deficit that was exposed early in their career. For whatever reason, even if they change, the organization just can't seem to get past it.
"See, there goes Gary again, he is your best friend when he needs something but when he is finished with you he has no further need for you." Gary might say “None of this is true, that is not me.” Or he might say “I feel like that is not me, but I will work hard to show how I can maintain better relationships.” Maybe Gary is a super focused person. This hyper-focus could be seen in some cases as a gift to get things done and in other cases it can be seen as stand-offish because he is focused on the task at hand and not the relationships around him. If Gary cannot change, and if there is not organizational forgiveness, he often feels that it is best if he moves on to something else.
They want more out of life.
Some people when they are handed lemons say, "Hey thanks, free lemons!” Other people go out and make lemonade, something sweet and delicious to drink. Some people in organizations take what comes along. If something good comes their way then they say, “Hey look! I just got something good!” Other folks want more out of life and their career. They want more challenge or responsibility. They have a strong desire to learn and to grow. But there is a catch.
They have a reputation. “You know, that’s Charlie the marketing guy. He wants to be a marketing director, he is good with the data, but can he lead people? I don’t think so, because I knew a guy like him once who could not.” So, in organizations, if people want more, and we see the talent, the question is how do we keep them? They want more, so let’s find a way to give it to them.
As much as we want to try sometimes, we can not change other people. The more we try to understand who they are, who they have been created to become, the more helpful we are. Most of us need to stop trying to change others and just dig in and really understand who they are. We can help people think about who they want to be in 5 or 10 years. Where do they see themselves? Does the current trajectory of behavior or skill set get them to the desired state? Some people are pretty happy with who they are. Some not so much, and they really do want to make change and become someone different.
If someone puts in the work, no matter the motivation or desire for change, can you accept it when they do? Perhaps it isn’t a question of whether they can change, and why they make change, but can YOU?