Nobody likes bad news. Especially when the reality of what you are trying to process just does not line up with how you see things.
In my executive coaching practice, I am able to observe the above quite often through a tool that I use; Interview 360.
When new clients sign up with me, one of the primary things they are trying to understand is how they are viewed in their organization by other folks. The second thing they are trying to gain awareness around is how the perceptions of others line up with how they see themselves.
“The Interview 360” is a tool that is meant to bring some clarity to the self-awareness of the leader.
The closer the leader’s self-awareness is to the perceptions of others, we say there is higher the likelihood that how that leader thinks they show up is in fact what others are experiencing.
Leaders whose self-awareness is aligned with those in the organization have a pretty good idea of what their strengths are and they also have a keen idea of what their opportunities for growth might be.
Not all leaders I work with experience this level of alignment!
In collecting feedback for a leader, it becomes fairly easy to tell when a leader has made a mistake, not treated others in a professional manner, or maybe they just don’t listen very well. The issues for misalignment can be vast and quite varied. Often they are contextual to certain types of organizational relationships, like with direct reports or with peers.
When this misalignment occurs, the thing I hear most from the client I am working with is, “That was not my intention!”
This statement is then followed by some type of rationalization:
“I didn’t mean to react that way.”
“I thought I had a mandate from leadership to do what I did.”
“I am being penalized for my boss not showing up and leaving me exposed.”
“My action was taken out of context, that is not who I am.”
Defensiveness
Leaders often get charged with being defensive when situations like this occur. Defensiveness is a very typical immediate type of reaction. I initially never fault a client for being defensive.
The problem with a defensive posture in the long run, however, is that it inhibits the leader from being able to learn and grow from the precipitating event.
Likely, this defensiveness over the long term ends up being a leader’s inability to metabolize negative reality.
At times, people struggle to completely understand the feedback they have received. Best-selling author, John Townsend, says “Leaders who struggle in this area are really struggling with their ability to accept imperfection.”
Leaders who maintain long-term defensives might be struggling with issues of embarrassment, shame, and even deep-seated narcissism. This defensiveness can wreak havoc on a leader’s self-confidence, their ability to tolerate stress, and even cause them to be much less trusting than in previously trusted relationships.
Thermostat or Thermometer
As I am working with clients who are defensive in processing negative realities, an analogy that has worked for me is to challenge the leader to see themselves as a thermostat instead of a thermometer.
Leaders who act like thermometers allow their emotions to rise and fall based on what they are feeling at the moment. When any of us receives feedback that creates a negative reality for us, this is a common occurrence. No one likes to be called out as an adult for behavior that is not valued by the organization, especially if this behavior has been rewarded or not overlooked in the past.
For most of us, these negative realities will fade a bit from our current memory, and we become almost numb to the event. We compartmentalize it as an isolated issue and cover it up with an “it really doesn’t bother me that much” band-aid.
Then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere something will happen and the entire experience of the negative reality will come back to light. Perhaps someone gets a promotion that you were in line for until the negative reality event. Or maybe you get passed over for a bonus you believe you fully deserved! Then it is like a fire-cracker has been lit off inside you and your emotional temperature just skyrockets.
This is a very high-risk place for a leader to be.
The coaching I do with leaders who have experienced negative realities is to help them see themselves more as a thermostat rather than a thermometer. The goal here is for them to take an accurate account of the entire environment around them and then control the environment.
Thermometers measure the temperature in only one place and are a reflection of their environment. A thermostat has a much broader perspective of what is going on, can see a much bigger picture, and then be more in control of the narrative.
How About You?
Have you experienced any negative realities lately? Has something not gone your way? Did you get some feedback that maybe you didn’t agree with or that really set you back?
You have a choice in terms of how you respond. I think initially we are all a bit like thermometers. So give yourself some grace here. Then, as time goes on, the real challenge for you is whether are you going to stay a thermometer or are you going to grow into a thermostat. What is the upside if you grow? Also, what is the downside if you stay a thermometer?
