An old colleague once called me when he was having some trouble getting someone on his team to accept the feedback he was giving:
“I keep telling her that she needs to build stronger relationships with others on the team. She is just so direct that nobody wants to work with her. She is technically the most skilled person on the team but she doesn’t realize that it is ok if others do things differently than she does. It is to the point that no one wants to work with her on anything anymore. One person told me that she probably needs to approach her work with the attitude that everyone is doing their best and that we all have good intentions. Sure she is really smart, but what good is that if no one wants to be around her?”
My friend then said to me that he would try in a roundabout way to give her a positive comment, then give her the critique, and then follow this with what a good person she is.
Ever been in a space like this? Where you are trying to give someone feedback but it is like you are talking to a wall? Or maybe the person seems open and friendly, but you cannot move the conversation past your relationship.
Maybe you had someone try some technique on you like the “feedback sandwich” I explained above, where they build you up to tear you down and then try and save the day with some meaningless positivity that is more therapeutic for them than it is for you? “Ok, just stop,” I told my friend. “Let’s talk about productive feedback and how really to have a productive conversation.”
How to Have a Productive Feedback CONVERSATION
Become biased for action
Consider the relationship
Appreciate what is possible
Now put these action steps in the proper order for the effective feedback you need. Did you find that you had an “aha” moment as you tried to figure out the order? Reflect on your thoughts for a moment.
Perhaps you find yourself saying that feedback is all about being biased for action. After all, the reason you are giving the person feedback is so that they can have the information they need to make the changes that others see are needed. You are not having a feedback conversation for your own health or just to hear yourself talk (although it could seem that way sometimes to some people).
According to James Flaherty who writes on effective coaching conversations, these three steps all need to happen if someone is going to change a behavior, but the order they happen in is critical. For example, if you do not have a firm enough foundational relationship, getting a person to act on feedback is futile. You could pay them all the compliments in the world, but when the criticism comes, they go immediately into a protective defensive posture.
From the list of those three things to consider for productive feedback, let’s consider the most important of these three, the relationship.
Consider the relationship
In order for any feedback to resonate with the receiver, the relationship with the provider of the feedback is critical. Good interpersonal relationships have some core elements to them which are often taken for granted.
First, they are mutual. This means that both parties derive satisfaction from being together. This relationship cannot be forced. Even if we do not get to choose who we have on our team or the boss we work for, we have to freely decide on our own will that we are going to be in the relationship.
Second, the reason the relationship exists is due to some foundational core commitments. The commitments we make to each other are critical because all relationships are going to have ambiguity and misunderstanding, and without solid core commitments, it is hard to maintain a relationship.
Third, the relationship must contain trust and compassion. For feedback to be absorbed by the receiver, trust must be present. For trust to flourish, compassion must be present. Having compassion means that you understand me and will not abandon me when I am down.
How do you think Considering the Relationship affects productive feedback? I’d love to hear your comments below. I hope this post helps you have a productive feedback conversation the next time one arises.